Monday, December 30, 2013

Plans for war.

Ferry Porsche is showing Hitler the very first Volkswagen ....

Ferry Porsche - "You see Adolph. Ve hide der motor into ze boot at rear, vhen British look for motor unter der bonnet in front, ve tell za swine our autocar runs on AIR! Zey vill give up, ve win der war."

Adolph - "Ingenious Ferry! Und where is das air cumink from?"

Ferry Porsche - "But Adolph, it ist not air, ve only tellink British it is air."

Adolph - "Ve could use old air pumps from Hindenburg refueling field. Zat blimp ist not comink back anyway."

Ferry Porsche - "Ja, vee could, but zay are helium pumps for der airship. Zee autocar runs on gas."

Adolph - "Gas? Ah clever, passink wind will run zee car, you hear zat, Doenitz?  Und bratwurst is plentiful."

Officer at back - (whisper)  "Der freakin' Fartswagen."

Ferry Porsche - (sigh) "Okay Adolph, air it vill be."

Admiral Doenitz - "Und if ve run out of air, ve could fling dem beetle bugs across der Englisch channel filled mit explosives."

Adolph - "Ja, Admiral, filled mit helium zay vill float high und blow up well. Toss a few of dese vagens at der Poland volks in der mornink."

Admiral Doenitz - "Ja Mine Fuehrer. I start za war now."

Adolph - (satisfied deep inhale) "Air. Ingenious! Ferry, make tanks mit air too."

Ferry Porsche - (under breath) "Good Grief."

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Britain protecting citizens.

From the evil terrorists.
Oh wait, that's not it, this is a new protection for the people. The Pornorists are after you now.
Britain is starting internet control of pornography even before the Americans do it.  
British Telecom (BT) has activated an internet porn filter, covering virtually all the Internet Service Providers, which automatically switches on parental controls for new Internet customers.  
The move is part of a plan announced by Prime Minister David Cameron back in July, which called on ISPs to block Internet porn by default for all U.K. citizens by year's end. The so-called porn filters are being applied now. No more tittie titilation guys. No more dangling dongles ladies. Britain is about to attain world wide web purity.

Easy huh? Protecting you. Now all we have to do is define porn.  
But first, you should know that a computer science student has already come up with a by-pass for the ISP filters, allowing all you dirty old men in the basement to access what you want so badly. And we all know that the deer hunting wallpaper picture on your screen isn't fooling the wife. 
Lewd boy David?
The work-around is called 'Go Away Cameron' and allows you to see all the porn you want, in spite of BT expecting to spend about 10 million pounds implementing these censorship programs!  In Australia, they started the same type of filters and a 16 year old broke it in 30 minutes! 
Soon they'll be blocking an apple a day because Eve ate one and look what happened!

But look at what is happening right now! Oh yeah, the defining porn part. The filters are blocking web sites that give information on sex education, safe sex, rape crisis help lines have been blocked. LGBT charity sites are blocked. Health educational sights are being blocked.
What is to happen to fine art sites? Will Picasso be subject to 'reverse twist' technology to find the porn beneath his cubes? And Gauguin in the South Pacific, languoring around with those brown bodied Polynesians? What about movie poster advertising? Will they eliminate figure drawing classes websites?  Will doctors xrays be xrated? 
We certainly can't have Cosmopolitan Magazine website telling us in detail how to do all those naughty things. And all .org sites will be gone.
Is this shame on the seashore?

Is this a ba-ad woman?


And what about website shopping, booming right now as a multi-billion dollar business. No more Victoria's Secret underwear ordering from the comfort of your own home? (Maybe they could put a timer on the site so if you don't order something in ten minutes you get blue screen.) Will condoms have to be advertised on the web as big white balloon animal kits because of the clowns at Porn Prevention Central?
BTW, The British are second only to Americans for time spent on porn sites, according to PornHub statistics, which is almost ten minutes! 
Is it keywords they look for? Will they flag you if you say you like breast of chicken? What'll happen if you Google search a 'big cock in the farmer's barnyard'?  There must be a hundred Cat Fancier sites in England looking for pussy. And I bet a lot of Welsh aviarys have a pair of nice Tits. Will Aer Lingus be wiped off the net because of typo searches? Will Scottish sports sites be able to mention tossing the caber? Will breeding Angus bulls ever be horny again?

Of course ISP British watchdogs might have to consider fetish as porn too. Now that includes literally everything; OMG your socks smell wonderful! You mean dress in yellow duck suits and do it on the roof of a building? (tremolo) And some people's innate but insistent, intimate desire is to be chained naked, upside down on a wall, and have Xena beat the hell out of you! But is that porn?

Just who will define this porn? The British Parliament? The Righteous Virgin Spinster Society?  ISP CEOs wearing $1000 suits and 4 day underwear?  The Church of England?  GCHQ?  The SPCA?

Is this porn?
Is there an upside? Will Lady Gaga and Miley Cyrus be banned?  Just looking at Mariah Carey arouses prurient thoughts with some. (Me!) Will we be able to submit our own definitions of porn? That might be fun. Can we get those 'How to grow your penis' ads to go away? No, it wouldn't work, too many people would define porn as an MP lying in Parliament.

Do we really expect to eliminate a billion dollar industry when 12% of ALL websites are porn sites? Twenty-four million of them! Even the purveyors of porn have asked for years to have their own extension of .xxx instead of .com to help parents with blocking. Always refused by the powers who pretend to know everything. 

Can Britain eliminate the use of porn watching in your home with filters for everyone's web access? Maybe, but does that lead back to men hanging about in parks instead of their own basements?

Is this?

Meanwhile, let's keep our children safe and have them looking at guns, violence and bombs instead. 

Scariest of all is wondering what is next that the British Government doesn't want you to see? Pornorists are just the start.

Porhub Stats 2013 - review


Thursday, December 12, 2013

Dali & Disney

Candid conversation between Salvador and Walt showing off a mini train engine. 

 "Walter, I teenk this would look mucho better if we melted it a leettle bit. "

     "Sal, that's a crazy idea. Are you fucking Goofy? "

         "No, I am nod dat way, but could hit Minnie if she was available."