Saturday, July 30, 2011

The Divine Miss M

Lady Gaga, who some say has doubtful talent, steals Bette Midler's wheelchair routine?

She already copied Madonna's Express Yourself with her Born this Way. She can't seem to meat up with any originality! After leaking the lyrics on her Twitter account, Gaga debuted the single. And while 'Born This Way' remained a trending topic on Twitter all that morning – another began trending as well: 'Express Yourself,' as in Madonna's 1989 Top 10 hit. By late morning, 'Express Yourself' had become more popular than 'Born This Way' on Twitter, with fans and foes alike comparing the songs.] You can watch the Madonna hit here -

So now Lady Gaga has arrived on stage in Sydney, Australia in a wheelchair ala Grammy winner Midler. Did she think she was far enough away that no one would notice? But we all know the Divine Miss M has her own original style, and some would think that her wheelchair routine as mermaid Delores Delago should be untouchable as a signature character!

There was plenty of controversy to go around after Lady Gaga's show in Sydney. Aussies threw eggs at the singer (sic) as she left a bar, (perhaps they thought she was wearing ham?) and activists were enraged when she came onstage in a wheelchair dressed as a mermaid character. ? Is there a 'Legs for Mermaids' movement somewhere? Only in OZ.
It is interesting to note that the first mermaids, spied by starved sailors at sea, were actually dugongs!

Midler, our Lady of the Perpetual Smile, was critical of the Gaga at first, tweeting the message that she had been performing her mermaid character since 1980 - ‘You can keep the meat dress and the firecracker tits - mermaid's mine'.
Then being the classy Babe she is, said it was okay.

Did Lady Gaga think 1999 and 1980 were so far in the distant past for people to remember the originals? Hmm. I suppose her fans weren't born yet so what would they know?

What's next? Maybe she needs to go back further, no one would remember Judy Garland's Over the Rainbow. (1939) Would she do it dressed as the Tin Man, not knowing anything about the original. If that isn't a signature song I don't know what is.

Alas, maybe it is time for me to move on, I just remember too much.

One thing she cannot steal, The Divine Miss M's routine, 'Pretty Legs and Great Big Knockers'  fans have been going gaga over that for a long time. And the Lady is unfortunately missing in those attributes.

Pretty legs and great big knockers will always be Bette Midler!
You can't steal that kind of talent.


Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Wife arrested - penis in garbage disposal

In Garden Grove, California, a wife (allegedly) fed her husband drugged food, tied him naked to a bed, cut off his penis and threw it into the garbage disposal! My gawd, haven't they heard of a safe word? Everyone involved in kink knows that. The police found him bleeding profusely, still tied. And most likely crying.
This woman had a powerful hate on for her estranged husband. And kitchen knives are usually dull. Go look at your butter knife!

At least Lorena Bobbitt just tossed it out the car window. In that case the police went searching along Lorena's route and found it, lying there all innocent and meek having been nearly run over by a cement truck, crows on the overhead wires looking down. They asked one lady if she had seen a penis and she said yes, she had, her uncle's in the shower when she was nine.
They reattached that one.

In this case they didn't say whether a plumber was called to open the sink trap. But they might not have been able to distinguish the remains from the rutabaga she had peeled earlier.
They allege Catherine Kieu Becker drugged the meal and served it to her estranged husband shortly before the attack.
The 51-year-old man felt sick, went to lie down and lost consciousness. The victim's arms and legs were tied to the bed with rope, (not silk rope either)  his clothes removed and he was attacked with the kitchen knife as he awoke. All that holding and sawing, of course he awoke! They said he was conscious when his penis was removed. Like really. Would he doze off?
It was tossed into the running garbage disposal. No thoughts whatsoever of the recycle bin.

You men stop shuddering like that! And you women stop chuckling! It used to be the wife took us for the house, the car and the children, but this? I now cringe when my wife throws a rotton old banana into the disposal.

Ms Becker may be charged with - aggravated mayhem, false imprisonment, assault with a deadly weapon, administering a drug with intent to commit a felony, poisoning and spousal abuse. Bail was set at $1 million. Is that all?
When contacted the victim only said. "This is a private matter." 
Well it is not private at all, there is now post-traumatic-stress among husbands everywhere thinking of their own treasured privates!
My wife just made cookies. Chocolate chip, my favorite, good stuff, but now I have to call her into the room, have her stand there in front of me and look into her eyes as I eat one! Watching for any sign of deceit or subterfuge ...... or sparkle. I thought of getting a witness but then I'd have to share the cookies.
Our relationship is strained at the moment because she caught me switching dinner plates. I have PTSD already.

Lorena Bobbitt claimed years of sexual abuse drove her to the attack, and she was acquitted by reason of insanity. Who knows what defense Catherine Kieu Becker's lawyers will choose, the Extrapolated Penis Envy defense? Kink gone Krazy defense? Weiner Rage defense? Not sure but we need to keep this quiet. No sense giving women ideas. You have no idea how many females grinned with empathy for Lorena Bobbitt.

But starting right now I will only eat my wife's cookies in a crowded public place with my phone on speed dial to an ambulance.
Private matter indeed.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

USA Construction vs Canada Construction

Today the Mayor of Los Angeles announced that the 405 Freeway, which was dubbed Carmageddon would reopen at noon, 17 hours early.
Mayor Villaraigosa said the 53-hour timetable for the project was agreed upon by contractors, transportation and public safety officials.  He thanked Los Angeles residents for heeding public officials’ calls to stay off area freeways.
The shortened closure "goes to show what we all can do when we get together for a common cause," Villaraigosa said, “A lot of people in Los Angeles have learned you can get along without taking long rides in your car on the weekend, we avoided a traffic nightmare.”
No major incidents were reported during the closure of the 10-mile stretch of freeway.
Villaraigosa credited contractors with completing work ahead of schedule. By finishing early, the project was saved the $700,000 cost of an added 12-hour shift, the mayor said.
Of that money, $300,000 was promised to contractors as an incentive to finish early. There was also a powerful disincentive for contractors to delay: Had they finished late, they would have been docked $6,000 every 10 minutes for each side of the freeway that was still closed.
Folks, the American contractors moved in at Midnight Friday to do this job which entailed tearing down overpasses and widening and repaving the whole highway! 

Hmm. In Canada they would have announced on Monday that the freeway might remain closed for the foreseeable future, due to coffee breaks, holiday scheduling, bickering between municipalities, and that Joe the foreman lost his hard hat and can't find it. Possible completion would likely be set for Christmas shopping or Easter of 2013 er, 2015.
Further complications might be added because of non Christian groups protesting the Christmas and Easter dates being used.
And the cost over-runs would have amounted to a third billion dollars being added to taxpayers property assessments to go along with the user fees which would have already risen from the 25 dollars per mile because of wage demands of the toll takers and the cost of the special photo radar camera transponders needed to keep track of drivers and their speeds.
The Canadian contractors would be rubbing their hands with glee at the prospect of having construction work well into the decade and would have set up extra billing departments to keep the Government cheques coming in, anticipating penalties against the cities for late payments at a cost of 10,000 dollars per hour.
When and if the freeway finally opened again, there would be stretches where work was still going on or parts that needed repair because of uneven paving or potholes or heavy equipment still parked in traffic lanes. There would be one particularly bad bump where they had paved over Foreman Joe's hard hat.
Police would be disappointed in their take because speeds over 22 miles per hour, (35.40557 Kilograms per hour for our American friends) were impossible to attain.
Translink would announce a rethink of the design from blacktop to concrete to plastic, all of which would cost taxpayers at least one more room of their houses.
And the new mayors would all deny any responsibility for the catastrophe, since dubbed Apocarlypse Now. 

Americans know how to do stuff.